Mourning the Loss of a Parent – Who is Alive

When we think of a parent, we imagine love, comfort, support and joy. A special bond and unconditional love. But what happens when that parent does more damage than good?

I had to learn this lesson. A reality I had to finally face at 24. 

In the past two years since cutting my ties, I have had to experience milestones that were supposed to be shared with your mom. I picked out my wedding dress, planned a wedding, had a baby, and graduated college with honors. But you see, history has a funny way of repeating itself. This was nothing new to me.

A sad reality, but my reality. 

I had to mourn a parent who was still very much alive.

It’s surreal to look back at how I grieved. It sounds bizarre but I did it. It had to be done.

Denial, Anger, Reflection, Acceptance & Hope. 

I spent most of my life trying to please my mom. Nothing I did was ever good enough. Good or bad, everything was a competition. I spent most of my childhood wondering why my mom did not love me. I spent most of my teen years seeking attention & acceptance from anyone.

Narcissistic. Alcoholic. Liar. Toxic

No matter where I looked for help, she always found a way to convince people I was at fault. I was the reason she was an alcoholic, I was the reason she had PTSD, I was the reason my siblings wanted nothing to do with her, I was the reason she lost her jobs, and I was the reason she had an affair.

She did everything in her power to make me fail. But in the end she only hurt herself.

I refused to let someone define who I was. 

Narcissistic personalities have a way of manipulating and leading people to believe lies. She convinced everyone she was the victim of every circumstance she faced. Not once did she take blame for any of her faults.

She’s the type of person who would work as a janitor in a hospital and tell everyone she was a doctor. 

A person can only endure so much. I gave her more chances than she deserved. It took me way too long, but one day I finally saw clearly who she really was. When I looked in the mirror I realized I was not the problem, she was.

Conflict can only survive with your participation. 

I accepted what was and let go. I knew there were bigger plans in store for me. For the first time in my life, I felt peace. A huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders. What if’s were gone and I made a promise to myself…. I would never let her control my life or happiness again.

My chains are gone, I’ve been set free.  

God has a funny way of working. He has placed angels in my life to lead me in the right direction. He blessed me with a “mom”, who made me the woman I am today. It’s through her I found unconditional love. My family in the red house showed me my worth. I will forever be grateful for them.

You know who you are, thank you. xoxo

But I can’t say I have any regrets because throughout all of this I have learned important lessons from mommy dearest.

I have learned to love myself & to never accept less than I deserve. But most importantly, I have learned how to be an amazing mother despite the example I was given.

“I can choose to let it define me, confine me, refine me, or outshine me, or I can choose to move on, and leave it behind me.” 

If any of you can relate, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me. I would love to hear from you!


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